Slow, Slower, Slowest
By
Joel Getman
You may have heard some recent chatter at Northport Golf Club about slow play. Actually, let me adjust that last comment. Wherever you play golf in this universe, you may have heard some recent chatter about slow play. A golfer, ANY golfer, making a comment about someone in the group in front playing slowly is as common and predictable as rain in Maine on Saturdays.
Well, friends, in our eternal search for helpful golfing information, we decided to dig deep into the topic of slow play. What follows is not necessarily true.
Not by a long shot.
Allow us to present an in depth, exclusive interview with Pokey McLanguid, the world’s slowest golfer.
Your Humble Blogger: Pokey, it’s very nice of you to agree to this interview. Thanks.
(Silence)
YHB: Pokey?
Pokey McLanguid: Oh, were you talking to me?
YHB: Yes. You’re the only other one here.
PMc: Well, I suppose that’s true. Sorry, I can be a little slow on the uptake.
YHB: No problem. Pokey, can you tell us how you were named The World’s Slowest Golfer?
YHB: Pokey?
PMc: Oh, sorry. I must have drifted off there. You were asking?
YHB: How did you become named the world’s slowest golfer?
PMc: Well, the fellas at my club heard about this slow play contest and they said I should enter, although I couldn’t understand why they thought that.
YHB: You mean you don’t consider yourself a slow golfer?
PMc: I never thought about it one way or another, to tell you the truth. I always kinda figured that golf takes as long as it takes and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. Kind of like the tides.
YHB: The tides? Really? Let’s get a little more specific on this topic, Pokey. For example, let’s say it’s your turn to hit and…
PMc: What do you mean “your turn”?
YHB: Well, let’s say you’re the farthest from the hole, so it would be your turn.
PMc: Well, I have to stop you right there. I don’t do “turns” that way. Nope, for me it’s kind of a feel thing. When I feel ready to go, I go. That can take a while. I have to gauge the wind, determine the slope, consider my breakfast, and try to remember the punchline of a joke I was in the middle of telling. Then four or five warmup swings and I’m ready to address the ball. Then it’s a minute or two of quiet reflection and I’m ready to give her a swing.
YHB: It’s easy to see how you won the title. How about putting? What’s your putting routine?
PMc: I like to slow everything down when I’m putting.
YHB: Lord! How so?
PMc: Well, the first thing I do is walk the four quadrants of the green, hoping that my feet will relay any subtleties in the green’s form or shape back to my brain.
YHB: But your ball would only be sitting in one of the green’s quadrants. Why do you care about the subtleties in the other three quadrants?
PMc: Sometimes the quadrants talk to each other. Anyway, after I’ve walked the four quadrants, I kneel down behind my ball and try to imagine myself rolling to the cup. I try to determine whether I’d be rolling fast or slowly. Once I’ve made that determination I head for my bag and grab my putter.
YHB: Wait. You mean you haven’t had your putter this whole time?
PMc: No putter until I’m ready to putt. That’s my motto.
YHB: Wow! Words to live by. OK, Pokey, what about teeing off. Surely you don’t waste any time doing that.
PMc: Well, I don’t consider this wasting time, just following the letter of the law. I insist that we tee off in the right order based on our scores from previous holes. Since nobody in my group can remember what they got on the last hole, we usually have to consult the scorecards to determine whose turn it is.
YHB: There must be quite a few ties. How do you break them?
PMc We play “One Potato Two Potatoes” until the order is clearly established.
YHB: Naturally! Well, this has certainly been enlightening, Pokey. Thanks for taking the time to chat with us.
PMc: My pleasure. Hey, I had nothing else to do anyway.
YHB: Obviously.
Well, folks, all we can say is the next time you find yourself behind a slow group, be thankful that Pokey McLanguid isn’t part of it. Remember, we can’t all play great, but we CAN all play efficiently. Be ready when it’s your turn. Assess your strategy on the green BEFORE it’s your turn, and save the jokes, especially the long ones, for the 19th hole.